Diary

Yesterday was pretty nice. I did some cleaning and laundry during the day, and by the time it hit 4, I kind of just assumed my coworker got busy and the thrift store trip was off, but she texted me around 6 if I was still down to go. I said as long as the store's open that late, of course I'm down. So we went to a Savers. I didn't end up getting anything. I'm kind of picky, and I only like to get stuff if I feel like I absolutley have to have it. She did get a few things though, so I'm glad the trip wasn't a flop in that way. I didn't mind not finding anything though, because I was mostly there to just hang out and chat anyway. Most activities are fun if you're with the right people. I really haven't been able to just talk one on one with a coworker outside of work, because every other time I've gone out with them, it's been to a bar which really isn't my favorite way to spend time with people. I like more chill activities. The only reason I agree to go to bars with my coworkers is because I'm scared they'll stop inviting me to things and they won't want to talk to me outside of work and I'll stay a work only friend. And I want to make actual lasting friendships and connections.

It was kind of crazy because when we were at Savers, we actually ran into another one of our coworkers. We had told him we might be going the day before when we were all at work and invited him if he wanted to come and he said he might, but I don't think my coworker had texted him at all, he just happened to show up at the exact same time as us. He was dropping off some stuff there with his girlfriend, but he came up to us smiling and was like "I knew I'd see you guys here". I think his girlfriend may be shy, because he said she was gonna come get her and introduce her, but they just ended up leaving. I never even saw her face, just the back of her as she walked out. Or maybe she's the type to not like her boyfriend to be talking to other girls. I don't know. I would have liked to meet her though-- he's talked about her a bit and he's a super sweet person so I'm sure his girlfriend is too.

After he left, my coworker and were talking a bit about our other coworkers, and the guy that I keep arguing with came up. Apparently he also compains to her about me. Which, I guess I can't be mad because I was doing the same thing, but at the same time, it was still infuriating to me because she is an assistant manager. So he is technically complaining to a higher figure of authority about me, specifically in how he thinks I don't do my job well, which could actually have serious consequences. Like, what if she took what he said to heart, and I got disciplined or even fired because of it? And the thing that makes me so angry about it all is that he is not good at the work he does. He is incredibly lazy, he cuts so many corners, he half asses pretty much everything, he made a huge mistake that ended up costing the store like $80. Yet he complains about me, singles me out, the person who not only has only been working here for 2 months, but who has never worked a retail job before in their life. Meanwhile, he's a transfer to our location, so while he hasn't worked at our store specifically for very long either, he has worked at the company itself for years. He's also 4 years older than me. So he's just punching down, singling me out, trying to tattle on me, probably to deflect from the fact that he is the one who actually is incompetent. And my coworker aknowedged this, she agreed, she said she was annoyed at how little effort he puts in. So I'm glad she can see that. But the problem is that she is not the only manager. And she kind of got demoted a bit, so I don't know if she's technically even an assistant manager anymore, idk she's in this kind of limbo between a keyholder and an assistant manager. Anwyay, that is to say that there are 2 other people at my job who hold the assistant manager title (there is a manager, but he manages multiple store locations, so he only comes in every few weeks or so so he isn't as relevant here). Basically, I'm scared that the coworker I have an issue with will complain to the 2 assistant managers about me, and they will be less able to see through his BS. I know that one of them does seem to just eat up everything he says. I think because she thinks he's hot or whatever. Can I just say though, he really thinks he's something and other people have said to me oh he's a pretty boy, but I don't even think that. Maybe this is just me being extra petty, but he's very average looking to me. Or maybe his personality is just so ugly, it's all I can see.

Yesterday was another exhausting day at work. But I have 2 days off in a row so that'll be nice. I just feel really tired though, like I have so many clothes thrown all over the floor and I had to force myself to shower and brush my teeth this morning. Even though I'm not in the depths of my depression like I used to be, I still have a lot of those habits that can be really hard to break. Some days I still just don't want to get out of bed, or eat or drink water, or do anything. And I wish that was every day. Why can't I be worse like I used to be? I hate that I'm doing better. I hate myself.

I might go to a thrift store with one of my coworkers and her friend today. We will see. It will depend if we get paid today. I'm kind of dreading leaving the house but at the same time I know it'll probably be good for me and I'll have fun once I'm actually out. Also, if I say no to stuff, people wil stop inviting me to things eventually, and then I won't have friends. I was talking to her yesterday, and she told me about how a group of my coworkers all went out at night after work a bit ago, and I came to the realization that I was closing with all of them that night, and they all went out except for me. I had seen them all talking, but idk I wasn't really thinking anything of it at the time, bc I had just wanted to go home that day. But also, it felt like I wasn't really asked. Idk, I think that time it was a combination of them not doing as good a job at reaching out, and me looking like I wasn't gonna be interested. But I still wish they had asked me. It feels nice to be included.

Yesterday I wore this dress to work I can literally never wear on the job again. I didn't think it'd be a huge deal, I wear more over the top outfits a lot anyway. The store I work at has no dress code, and we're really encouraged to dress in a way that expresses our personal style because it's a second hand clothing store that has an emphasis on fashion and stuff like that. My managers have told me that part of the reason they even hired me was because I showed up to the interview dressed cool. But anyway, yesterday I wore this kind of Morticia Addams type dress. It's a really beautiful dress and it's amazing quality too. The slits on the sides are pretty dramatic I guess, but I was wearing fleece tights with fishnets layered over them so idk maybe you couldn't tell that it wasn't just my leg, but I felt pretty covered. But oh my god, could men not stop starting at me. In the creepiest way. I was so uncomfortable. And I've worn this dress in my life before, but just not to work. And it feels different when you're working a service job where you need to engage with customers. Like when a weird guy who I open the changing room for is like "you look nice..." I can't just ignore him or give him a rude look, I have to say thank you. At one point, I was on the second floor changing a mannequin at the counter, and this normie ass looking guy walks by, and he's so akward, he's like "..hi" and I was like "yes..?" and hes like "oh no, I just wanted to say hi..." And he clearly just wanted to talk to me I guess? Idk he was being so weird. And I say I have to be nice, but I guess I'm still pretty bitchy for a customer service worker. Like, I've been talked to about my lack of personability. A customer complained about me the other day for giving him a mean look. But I still wish I just didn't have to talk to these people in any way a lot of the time.

Also, can we talk about why the guys that don't know how to dress themselves, or dress in the most boring, country club looking outfits (like that guy who said hi to me), are always the ones who go on and on and on about how much they want a goth gf. Like sorry, but why do men who put no effort into how they dress themselves, or don't dress alternativley in any way expect that any goth girl would ever want them? And so many of these guys are also the types who would put down girls who dress in a non goth way for being "shallow" by liking fashion and makeup, and they think goth girls aren't like the other girls, when goth girls are also interested in fashion and makeup, it's just in a less conventional style. And because I'm interested in fashion and clothing, why would some guy who dresses like a middle schooler think that I'd want to be seen with him? I put effort into my appearence, and I value someone who does the same. Who shares that interest with me. It would be absolutley humiliating to spend hours getting ready, just to go out in public with some man who threw on a Minecraft shirt in 2 seconds. I HATE MEN.

I need to work on this website more. I have a whole mockup for my About page that I need to make a reality, and I want to have at least something when you click on the Collections and Shrines pages from my home page. I want to add my collection of PS2 games, and I like to take pictues of cool tags when I'm at work, so I want to have a little gallery of those in my collections. I also want to make a shrine to my problematic favorite, the game Drakengard 3. I have so much to say about this game, and I don't feel even a shred of delusion when I say I may be both it's biggest fan and hater in existence. I saw a kind of popular neocities page that was making a shrine to it though, so then I was like well if someone's beating me to it, maybe I shoudn't even bother. But also, I think I would be coming at it from a different angle and I would have different things to say. And that angle is that it's a really really bad game, but that's what makes it so interesting. But idk we'll see. God, this site is so not anonymous to literally anyone who has a passing knowedge of me irl. I hope none of my coworkers or something find this. This isn't for you get out

Yesterday I was also super tired when I got back from work so I didn't end up writing anything. I actually ended up falling asleep after I got home and showered (around 9pm) forgetting that I was supposed to call my friend around 10. Luckily I woke up a bit an hour later and looked at my texts and we were still able to talk for a bit. I got off the phone I think around 1am, and even though I was really tired earlier, I was energized again and couldn't sleep. I ended up falling asleep at like 4am. Since I didn't have work today though, I just slept in.

I was pretty productive today actually. My apartment was painted last month, and I hadn't gotten around to putting everything back up on the walls that had to be taken off, so I ended up doing that today. I also did some laundry and I ordered a poke bowl from my favorite place.

So the texting thing was kind of solved, turns out people do actually have things going on in their lives that would make texting someone back about something stupid and low stakes not a high very priority. I can be so crazy sometimes. Sometimes I write and think stuff and I look at it later and I'm like yikes... you are insane.

No entry yesterday, but don't worry I do still live, sadly. I was tired after coming back from work last night, so I didn't end up writing anything. Work was ok yesterday. I got tasked with dressing some more mannequins but got really stressed about it. One of my coworkers talked me down though and she helped me out. I wish I didn't get so visiblty upset over something so stupid. But I got scared if they didn't look good enough or if I took too long to do them, I wouldn't get assigned to do that task again. And I like dressing the mannequins. Everything just feels so life and death in my head. Sometimes I feel like my job hangs in the balance even when I'm just doing a small day to day task. I was talking to my therapist about this today and she said that it must be really exhausting to live with that weight. I appreciate so much when she recognizes and validates my feelings like that. No one but her ever does.

I have this coworker who I don't particularly like. He always messes with people, says things purposley to get under their skin. And he knows that he can do it to me really easily. So of course he does. Great job, you made someone who can't regulate their emotions properly emotional. Do you want an award? After last week when he almost made me cry like 5 times, I've been trying to avoid him, not to a degree that I'm giving him the silent treatment or anything and making it a bigger issue, but just kind of disengaging from uncessesary conversation with him. Anyway, yesterday I was talking in a conversation with him and two other of my coworkers. We were closing so it was just us. It was kind of unavoidable that he was in the conversation. Anyway, when I tried to talk, he would talk over me. At one point, he just started a different conversation with another person in that group once I started talking, and I was left telling what I had to say to the remanining coworker there.

He also said to my face in front of the other coworkers that he thinks I work ineffienclty and he doesn't like how I do things. He brought up this argument we had had weeks earlier, when he had tried to tell me to do a task a different way than I was trained to do. He is not in a position of athority, so I went with the way I was trained by a superior, but he took this fucking personally and would not let it go. Eventually, a different manager said that I should switch to doing that task to the way he wanted me to do it, so I did switch then. And I reminded him of this yesterday after he brought it up again. Like he won, but he can't let it go. And he was just like "still, I don't like the way you do a lot of tasks". The other two coworkers, one of which was a manager, just let him say this and bully me I guess. He's been an asshole to me in front of other coworkers as well, and they've done nothing. I can't say I'm suprised. One of my coworkers was bullied by a girl who used to work here for months and no one did anything until it turned physical, and the girl pushed my coworker in front of customers. Only then did she get fired. These people have no fucking backbone. I hate them I hate them all

I was so angry about it, and texted another one of my coworkers to talk about it, but he hasn't replied to me, just like he hasn't replied to me for days now. He talks to me at work, but it feels like he just stopped texting me completley when before we would chat a lot oustide of work. Idk what I did. Idk why people are so put off by me. Probably because I complained too much to him and he got sick of it and got offput by my insane ranting. I know this is black and white thinking-- that if someone doesn't text me, they hate me and if they do, they're my closest work friend. Maybe there's outside factors besides myself. Everyone has their own problems and circumstances they're dealing with. I know that. But I can't help but be upset when there's such a clear change in someone's behavior where they used to seem to want to talk to me more and now they don't. I just want to cry and scream and die. And see this is why no one wants anything to do with me. I'm a horrible person. I'm an evil person. I'm not saying that to get sympathy. I believe it with everything in me.

No work today which was nice. Had therapy but I felt like I hardly got any time to get into what had happened since our last session because I had the events of 12 days to go over and we only had an hour. But I still did end up crying because I was talking about how I felt like everyone hated me and I have no friends, how I'm scared that I'm driving everyone away from me, all that stuff. I still feel that way.

I mostly just relaxed the rest of the day. Ate oatmeal, started trying to make my workplace in the sims, cleaned up all the clothes on the floor from when I couldn't decide what to wear on Monday. Did some laundry. Boring day I guess. But better than bad. I feel like to a lot of people, a day where you get really upset and cry in therapy would be a bad day, but being on a constant emotional rollercoaster is pretty standard for me. That's not trying to diminish anyone else's feelings. I'm mostly thinking of things in relation to my own life, before my BPD symptoms really started manifesting and now.

Sometimes I feel like a completley different person. I think so much differently now, I have so many thoughts I never used to have-- mostly pretty bad ones. I guess if I think hard enough, I can see the seeds for it all, and trace those early signs, but they're only really clear in hindsight. When I think about my perception of the world and the way I was thinking and feeling in the day to day moments years earlier, it's just so wildly different.

I even look different. When I went to a bar a few weeks ago, I gave the guy checking IDs mine, and he looked at it for a bit, then asked for my credit card, because he genuinley didn't think the person in the picture was me. To be fair, it's an awful picture. It's probably the worst picture of me to exist. I went into the bar with one of my coworkers to meet up with some others and he asked if he could see the picture after I got my ID back. And he was also genuinley shocked. So shocked that I almost regretted showing him it. Part of me is glad that I don't look like that anymore. I look a lot prettier now I guess, conventionally. I started taking anxiety medication that made me lose a lot of weight and I also got so depressed I couldn't eat for a while, I learned to do a full face of makeup, and I just generally dress more feminine. But it also feels horrible because why was that other version of me not worthy of the same love? Why do I only get approached with compliments and people telling me I'm pretty now? I like the attention now, of course I do, who doesn't want to be told they're pretty? But I constantly feel like I'm on the verge of becoming that uglier, unattractive version of myself. Every single day I age, every little bit of weight I gain, it all stacks up to being undesireable and unlovable again. Is it horrible to say that one of the reasons I want to die is so that I'll be the most beautiful version of myself forever in people's minds? People are nicer to me than they used to be, especially men. But it makes me so sad to know that I wouldn't be treated as well if I looked how I used to.

But at the same time, what does it even matter since even when I get more attention from men, I still don't get asked out. I still have never gone on a date. What's with that? I don't know. If I'm prettier, why do people not want to approach me? Why do people still not find me worthy of romantic love? What horrible, deep flaw do I have that I can't see and can't understand how to fix? So I guess in that way, I never changed. I've always been lonley. And I'll always be alone.

I feel like this is so rambly and I don't have a real point here. I have work tomorrow. Back to face all these people who I am so scared secretly hate me and judge me and gossip about me. Yay

I made it to December. If you told me in March 2024 that I would be alive in December 2025, I think I'd be pretty angry. Kind of still am. But here I am, back from another day of my amazing incredible retail job. Actually today wasn't bad. I dressed mannequins all day, which is my favorite task. And both the managers said I did a good job so at least I know my job isn't at risk for the time being. The first one I did was probably my best, but that's because I started with one from the section I liked the best. It was the mannequin for the Y2K endcap. I honestly just dressed it how I dress myself. I was an innovator though. I wanted to give it a choker necklace, but the only jewlery we sell is the super expensive stuff we have to keep locked in the showcase displays so I found a really thin black belt and tucked the ends into the collar of the mannequin's shirt and it ended up working out really well.

It honestly kind of makes me want to buy the pinstripe shirt but buying short sleeved things can be tricky because I always have to plan for what I'll layer it with to hide my arms. I wish I didn't have to do that, but at the same time the thought of having nothing to hide or nothing people would take notice of is really upsetting. Sometimes I feel like things were never that bad if I have nothing to show for it. This is so horrible, but sometimes I wish more people noticed. I want people to see me and recognize the amount of pain I'm in and worry and deeply care about me. I remember once my therapist said something like "I'm so sorry, you must be in so much pain. I understand how painful this all is." And even just writing that makes me want to cry because no one had ever said that before, and no one's said it since. I wish someone in my life who wasn't my therapist understood me like that. Once my sister said to me that I've caused my family the same level of distress that I'm in mentally. Which means that either she's wrong, and she doesn't understand what I'm going through, or I really am that horrible.

Anyway back to my day, they played Christmas music the whole day. I really hope that isn't going to happen every day in December because I think hearing the same songs over and over and over again day after day for 8 hours will make me go actually crazy.

Today was absolutley exhausting. Normally there are anywhere between 6-9 people working on a given day at my workplace, but today there were 4 including me. It wasn't super busy, but because there were so few people there was still a ton to do.

I feel like everyone hates me. All at once a bunch of people who I normally text with regularly haven't been replying to me and I know people get busy and it's probably a coincidence they all got busy at the same time, but it's hard to stop myself from feeling like I've done something wrong. Thinking about all this is just so tiring. I wish I could just shut off my brain. It just goes around and around and around and it's like hell being trapped in it sometimes. I used to hope that if I hurt my body enough, it would kick me out and my soul would be free. But what's the point of that when I'm still able to think? Also I know what I just said sounds actually crazy, but look that's why I'm in therapy. But this is why I have so much trouble when I have to go without it for a week. I need help reigning in my stupid crazy brain.

Twards the end of my shift I got this sinking feeling of dread. I convinced myself something horrible was going to happen. Someone was gonna come in like that guy did last week, but this time they'd actually get violent. None of that happened. Of course it didn't. If someone does in the future though, I hope they shoot me in the head and I die instantly. That would be amazing. A girl stopped me while I was working and said I was pretty though, so at least there's that.

Went to work today and instantly wanted to go home. Honestly, I wanted to just quit. Nothing particularly bad happened, I just didn't want to be there anymore and I'm dramatic I guess. One of my coworkers threw up and had to leave pretty early on in the day-- apparently another coworker of mine came into work yesterday with an over 100 degree fevor and for some reason decided it was a good idea to stay almost his entire shift, so the coworker that threw up thinks he got sick from that guy. I hope I don't get sick too. Or maybe I do so then I don't have to go to work tomorrow or the next day. At least today wasn't super busy for a Saturday. I was pretty suprised that it didn't get that bad. They made me be on register though, which I hate. They want me to get better at it and stuff. I guess I get that but also, why not just put the people who excell at customer service on register, and give the people who have strengths in other areas tasks that allign with those strengths? Even though I may get marginally better at the register and customer service, there will always be a ceiling and I am simply not someone who will ever be particularly good at this kind of stuff. Maybe that's me giving up, but I really have no desire for improvment in that area.

I did have a great pretty earnest conversation with a coworker today though. Turns out we both have BPD. Which is kind of crazy because this is the second coworker who I've found out has BPD. That means that at least 23% of the staff at my workplace have BPD. Who knows, maybe there's more and I don't even know yet. I wish I had more time to talk with him about it though, because we were on shift and being on the store floor surrounded by customers, pretending to look busy and putting clothes away isn't a super ideal setting for a deep conversation.

Sometimes I feel like I'm really breaking through with my coworkers, and making real friends, but other times I feel like I'm driving people away from me. I think it doesn't help that I interpret everything in the most pessimistic way possible. Like one of my coworkers and I text eachother a few times a day. But recently that's slowed down. And my first thought is-- oh they hate me now. I must have done something to make them hate me. Another one of my coworkers used to talk to me a lot more and invited me out at night one time, but it felt like that invatation got retracted and they don't talk to me as much. What did I say? What did I do? Why am I so unlovable? Maybe that's dramatic. But I think I just want to be close to people, I want deep connections. I want people to see me, understand me, care for me, and when they aren't like that I feel like it's the end of the world, and I'll never have that. I feel like I've never been anyone's favorite person ever. Maybe when I was a baby and I was first born. But not anytime I was sentient. Not anytime that I could really appreciate it. I think most people get that from a romantic partner, but again I've never had one of those. And I probably never will, given how my life is going. I think I will be alone forever.

After I got home from work, it was late but I watched a movie with my sister, since her Thanksgiving break ends after this weekend so it's her last day home today. We watched Sinners. It was good. Mostly I just I appreciated being able to hang out with her. Because she used to spend all her time with her girlfriend, I really haven't been able to hang out with my sister for a while, so it was good to just chill and watch a movie like we used to. I know it won't last though. She'll find a new girlfriend soon and stop coming home again soon enough.

I feel like the quality of my writing here is just horrible, but I guess I don't really care too much. I'm no writer. I just wanted to aknowledge that I am aware this writing is bad.

I want to talk to my therapist really bad. I didn't get to talk to her at all last week because of Thanksgiving scheduling issues. It's really hard for me to go this long without her. I go to therapy twice a week, so going from two hours of therapy in a week to zero is difficult. I see her on Tuesday, so I just need to get through these next two days.

Didn't do much today again. I'm not complaining though because it's black Friday, and I think working my retail job on back friday would actually kill me. We don't even have any deals running, but the store I work at is in a shopping district type area of the city, so I know that there would still be a ton of people in today. Besides, it's not like the store is gonna advertise that there aren't any deals. They're not gonna do anything to drive away customers. I'm glad I don't have to be the one to break to the wrong person that they can't get any deals at the store. Espeically after what happened almost a week ago.

Last Saturday, this guy came in, didn't get as much money for the clothes he brought in as he wanted, and he started screaming. Said he was gonna rob the store, threatening to hurt my coworker who gave him the estimate. We had to call the police on him and it took like 3 people to detain him. And that was all before noon. I was so shaken and I just had to stay there another 7 hours like it was all fine. And some of my coworkers were so chill with it. Maybe it's just because this is my first retail job and I haven't been here super long, but I couldn't understand how they were just joking about it a minute after it happened. I guess some people do that as a way of coping, but idk I guess that just made me feel like my reaction was overblown or unwarranted. I hate having BPD, because sometimes I can't even tell.

I do have work tomorrow though. I had 3 days off, but now I work 3 days in a row which is just the worst. And Saturday is always our most busy day. I guess in comparison to black friday it may be better, but it's still a holiday weekend so I'm not very optimistic. The people I'm most friendly with are on shift tomorrow with me, so hopefully that should make it a bit less painful. If it's super busy though, I'm not sure how much I'll be able to chat with them.

We're supposed to be getting some new hires soon. One is someone I reccomended, a really kind girl who I'm excited to work with. I think the others aren't quite locked in yet, but I really hope we get some more people so we're not so under staffed during the holidays. My manager keeps saying someone who used to work here who technically didn't quit and is still in the system may come back to work for the holidays, which would be ideal since they wouldn't need to be trained and they wouldn't have to go through onboarding which takes like 2 weeks (it's so long for no reason). If you account for onbaording and training, it takes like almost a month for someone who has been accepted to work here to actually be a productive member of staff. But she's been talking about this guy returning for weeks now and there's still no sign of him so I'm not gonna keep my hopes up.

Today was a bit loney. I haven't had a real conversation since Tuesday. But at least I've been productive working on this site. After making the journal page though, the home page looks so ugly to me. So I think I'll have to go back and change some things. I've been hiding my home page by naming it something other than Index so no one can see all the work I've done on my site unless they really look. It's partially because I'm so scared of being perceived. I feel like most people who have social anxiety are able to be more free on the internet, but for me it's still almost unbearable. Every account on any social media site I've ever made I either full out delete or wipe. Why am I like this???

Recently I've been thinking of how I have never been in love, never even been on a date, never anything. Relationships have been on my mind as of late because 3 people I know have gone through a break up within the past month, one of whom was my sister. She told me she doesn't want to be around anyone in a relationship right now, and honestly sometimes I feel the same way. I guess because I'm jealous of people who were able to find love. Sometimes I feel like it's such a stupid thing to get caught up on and I couldn't care less, but other times it really gets to me. You can say it's back luck or whatever, but I think it's pretty natural to wonder what could possibly be so wrong with you that no one has ever considered you seriously enough to do or say anything about it. I mentioned it to some of my coworkers the other week and they both seemed shocked. I would be too. Not because I'm so beautiful or have the most amazing persoality, but just because I'm old enough for everyone else to have experienced some type of romance or relationship by now. I don't know why I tell people stuff like this so easily, it's pretty embaressing. And can I even complain about it when I've never sought out anything myself nor do I plan to? Plenty of women wait for guys to come to them and it works out, so maybe I'm biased here, but I'm not gonna stop complaining.