Diary

I think people at work are worried about me. Muliple coworkers have come up to me and asked if I'm doing ok. I do appreciate it. But it also puts me in a tough position because obviously the truth is no. So I smile and lie and say I'm just tired. I feel so bad for feeling this way, but I want people to worry about me and think that I'm not doing well. Because I don't want to be doing well and because I want people to care about me and care for me, I guess. I don't think I'll ever get the type of support or love or care that I truly crave. I don't think I deserve it in the first place.

I realized today was my only full shift this entire month. I wish I had no appetite. I'm so tired but I can't sleep. I have a headache because I didn't eat today or drink enough water or get enough sleep last night. I wish I could shut off my brain. I am in so much mental pain every day it's absolutley exhausting. I read something that compared having BPD to the emotional equivalent of having burns all over your body. I wish more people in my life understood that. Really understood that.

Today I went to therapy and cried and told my therapist about how I can't imagine a happy future for myself, how I don't want one in the first place and how I don't even think I deserve one. That I'm just waiting for and almost looking forward to the inevitable day everything comes crashing down again and how I hate that I've been doing better. I heard her sniffling and I couldn't tell if she was tearing up or if she was just sick or something. I was looking down at the floor the entire time I spoke because if I really did make my therapist emotional like that, I would have felt so awful. So it's better that I don't know.

It's comforting to me to remind myself that my life is still pretty bad. I'm sure most people would say a day where they had a therapy session like that would be a horrible one, but I don't see today as being particulary awful. Obviously, it wasn't a good day. But in all, I'd say it was just fine, leaning twards bad.

I have to go to work in like 2 minutes I dont even know why I'm writing this now. I think so much. I wish I could turn off my brain and stop it from thinking I just think and think and think and it's never anything good.

I'm home now. I got so anxious at work I almost cried a few times. Each time in front of different coworkers too so that's extra embaressing. I guess I feel better now. I don't really know how great better can be though.

I was just thinking about how I've never broken a bone in my life, never had some type of accident that required hospital attention. The most damage inflicted to my body has been done by myself. I feel so guilty I've never had to go to the hospital because I've never done enough to warrant that.

It's snowing so hard. A blizzard. We closed 2 hours early today. Snow is my favorite weather. I could watch it all day and all night.

Work tomorrow. Or I guess today. I haven't worked in almost a week. It's 3am and I'm not asleep. I go in at 1:30 so it's fine if I wake up late. Part of me just wants to stay up all night. I don't deserve to sleep.

Why is life this hard?

I had an argument with my mom yesterday. I know she feels like I am a burden to her. I know I am a terrible person. I wish my therapist wasn't away this week. She's the only person I can confide in. I don't have anyone in the world who considers me the person they are closest to or the person they love the most. Isn't that so sad?

I hate bpd I hate being sick like this but I also feel like I'm nothing without it

I don't want to turn 25 in six weeks

Valentines Day was a couple days ago. I hate that holiday so much. A coworker of mine gave me a rose. Different one than the one who tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me. So I guess that fear I talked about before is kind of confirmed. I mean I guess in some world you could give someone a rose on Valentine's Day platonically. It's pretty clear to me that this was not platonic. Especially given some other things he's said and done in the past. But what I'm saying is that there is plausable deniability on his part. So I can't reject him in the way I did my other coworker, because this coworker hasn't just came out and explicitly said that he feels any way twards me. He gave the rose to me on his way out of work while I was on a break so there wasn't much room for conversation around it anyway.

I haven't even spoken out loud today. There's a good chance I won't tomorrow either. I don't work until Saturday. I was supposed to work yesterday, but I called out sick. On Valentines Day, I had to work a closing shift on a day that was super understaffed. So much so that it was only me and one of the assistant managers closing. And he was doing manager type stuff so I had to pick up after all the customers (who were super messy and inconsiderate that day) and straighten all the clothing racks and the bags and everything in this pretty large two floor store all by myself. I hate my life.

I don't know what I'm going to do about my coworker. He avoids me in a way that feels incredibly unsubtle, but I can't tell if that's just because I know what's going on. I know I should probably keep quiet about this-- not because I care about protecting his privacy or anything, but because I don't want it to become a huge topic of gossip or made into a big thing-- but It's hard when something is the only thing on your mind to not talk about it.

This whole situation also just makes me paranoid about other men at my job feeling this way about me. Maybe I'd be less worried about it if I found any of them attractive, but I don't. I guess I like that people like me though. That feels flattering.

Supposedly 3 new people will be starting at my job soon. I say supposedly because the last few hires have all fallen through. I'm kind of excited to see what they're all like.

The guy who tried to cheat on his girlfriend with me is terrified of me, I think. He avoided me at work all day. It's so absurd, because how could he have not even considered rejection as a possibility? He risked it all, and for what? I have another shift with him tomorrow. I wish I didn't.

Every day feels the same. I work my stupid retail job and I'm miserable or I stay in my room and I'm miserable. I have no ambitions or goals. I don't want to think about the future, because I don't want one. I'm not as bad as I was but I'm still very mentally unwell. I'm just tired. I'm still here for the same reason why I'm not doing anything better with my life. Because it's easier to not take any action, destructive or constructive.

I always get sad around this time of year. I hate being reminded of how lonley I am. I put on a big display of not caring about relationships and hating men because admitting the truth of how much I actually want to be loved is embarrassing. Being in your 20's and having never even been considered as an option to be loved is a type of heartbreak very few people understand. That makes it even lonelier.

Last week I got asked out for the first time in my entire life. It didn't really feel like any type of victory though. It was a weird, messy situation. At best, I was being asked to be a very blatant rebound. At worst, the guy was trying to cheat on his girlfriend. I felt so insulted. I wait all these years for a guy to ask me out, imagining some earnest and heartfealt proposal, and instead I got that.

I wish I really did feel the way I pretend to. That I did just have no hope anymore. It would be so much easier. Clinging to this stupid idea that the perfect guy is out there and he will find me soon gets more painful and pathetic every day. But I still can't let it go.

Ate a lot of cake. I want to eat more but I know I shouldn't. I want to quit my job. Every new shift feels more and more impossible to get through, even with my reduced hours.

Something happened yesterday that really upset me. I was shaking. I couldn't stop shaking. I know most normal people wouldn't have a reaction this intensely to the same situation. I feel so stupid and overdramatic but I still act so stupidly. I'm not going into work tomorrow. I can't face that person, not so soon after what happened. I hate men. All of them. They're all the same.

Back in high school, my best friend and I used to go on drives at night. We would drive all around town just listening to music and talking. I miss that so much. I don't miss her, but I miss having a friendship like we had. I wish I knew someone now who would go on drives with me.

It's almost 5 am. I know I should sleep. Maybe I should delete this website.

I called my best friend yesterday after work. Yesterday their Christmas gift to me arrived. It was a perfume sampling kit. They picked out all the scents themself. It was so sweet and thoughtful. I can't wait for them to get their Christmas gift from me in the mail. It's this super cool looking candle. They just moved to a new place and they sent me pictures of how they've been decorating it and I thought it would fit really well with what they already have.

It's been a bit since I wrote here. I guess because not much has happened. Last night I worked on my cardboard church until like 2 am. I finished the windows and they look great.

I work today from 4pm-8pm. The shortest shift I've ever had, so that's nice. It'd be nicer if I didn't have to work at all today.

I feel like not much has really happened latley. Since I have reduced hours at work because of the January schedule, I'm not working as much so I'm just at home holed up in my room alone most of the time. I'm fine with that. I really do like being alone, maybe to my own detriment.

I've been working on the cardboard church, so that's taken up some of my time. I've been twisting wire for like 6 collective hours. My fingers hurt and I'm not even done. I wanted to make intracite iron work window frames and I stupidly made the church with I think 13 windows.

Yesterday was pretty mundane but that was fine. I didn't leave the house, I hardly even left my bed to be honest. The highlight of the day was that I got to call with my best friend who I hadn't gotten the chance to talk to since before Christmas because they went away with their family for the holidays. I really wanted to play a two player puzzle game with them and luckily they agreed and we had such a good time. We're both horrible at remembering right from left, so having to visually describe solutions to puzzles to each other was so stupidly the hardest part for us. But the game was never too difficult.

Work yesterday was a lot. There a lot or tension between some of my coworkers

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow for the first time since before Christmas. I feel like so much has happened, I don't even know where to start when talking to her.

Hard day at work today. A super busy Saturday and we were understaffed. They really need to hire more people, but the company's onboarding process takes forever.

Made earl grey and hojicha white chocolate chunk and semisweet chocolate chip cookies yesterday. It was a great recipie. The tea flavors didn't get overpowered by the chocolate.

I have work tomorrow. Today and tomorrow are only 6 hour shifts though. This whole month, I actually don't work very much. The company apparently allots less hours in January since things typically get slower. When one of the ASMs was making the schedule, she was kind of stressing about having to cut people's hours because she knew they'd be upset. I told her she could cut mine all she wanted since I live with my mom and don't need to make rent or anything. I have the privledge of not having to be reliant on this job for an income or money so my hours make the most sense to cut. I also sometimes get burnt out from work and having more days off helps me not go crazy. Retail is not for the weak and I'm weak. I've never had a real job before this one so I can't make any comparisons myself, but according to my coworkers, this job can be uniquley overwhelming. There's a pretty high turnover rate and I've heard multiple stories about past employees who had worked retail jobs before this one but could not take the stress of this job specifically.

I started building this church out of cardboard boxes. I want to paper mache it and then paint it. The supplies I need are gonna get here tomorrow, so I can start on that Monday and Tuesday which I have off.

Happy New Year. I hate thinking about the passage of time. It just reminds me of how I persist despite how I desperately I wish I didn't every day.

I went out for New Years Eve with a friend to this restaurant along with one of her friends and his boyfriend. Closer to midnight, they turned the first floor of the restaurant into a dance floor with a DJ and stuff, so we headed down there around 11:45. We met up with another friend of hers down there. I didn't get a really good read on him because it was so loud so you couldn't have much of a conversation.

The place we were in had these huge windows that looked onto the street and it was snowing. It was really beautiful, watching the snow fall as people walked by going to and from their own new years celebrations, living their own lives. It looked so peaceful and light compared to the noise and dark inside. I wanted to just walk out onto the street and dissapear into the snow forever. I wished that I smoked so I could have an excuse to be out there, even just for a few minutes. And I did try to ignore how I was feeling, because I didn't wanna be a buzz kill. I also noticed all these guys staring at me. So many guys. I felt horrible being stared at like that. Luckily no one approached me.

Christmas wasn't great. It never even really felt like Christmas. I just felt hollow. Then work work and last night I couldnt take it, I called out. I feel like the energy between Christmas and New Years is always so horrible. I'm just really isolated and sad. I feel like I'm eating too much and getting fat. So then I didn't eat for nearly 3 days.

Work yesterday was so tiring. I think knowing it was my last day before my Christmas break made it almost worse. I just wanted the time to pass so quickly so I could be done but it felt like it was crawling by. It didn't help knowing that I had to come back to work an hour after my shift for the mandatory staff meeting.

The staff meeting wasn't terrible. I thought we'd be getting yelled at more than we actually did. Most of the things the managers were saying we needed to stop doing were not things that I actually did. The biggest perpretrator of a lot of them was this horrible coworker of mine who didn't even show up.

People said my cake was good. I hope they weren't just humoring me, but also at the end of the day it's cake so how bad it can really taste? It's not like I burnt it or anything. I still wish it looked a bit nicer. But that's what happens when my coworker gives me pictures of concrete as refrence.

To no one's suprise, no one brought an ornament that represented our team work culture for the Christmas tree. It wasn't even mentioned. Maybe they realized how dumb it was. But actually, the girl who's birthday cake I made gave me a little ornament she hand made. She also went to art school and she makes really cool stuff. It was so sweet of her to do that and the ornament is so beautiful. It makes me feel really nice that someone would put in the effort to make something like that for me. I have this idea in my head sometimes that everyone secretly hates me, and when I get evidence against that sometimes it's suprising, but it's a nice suprise.

Work wasn't terrible today. I wore one of the tops I got from the thrift store. It did get busy around the late afternoon, early evening but after that, it cleared up. By the time it hit 8, I don't even think anyone was in the store. So we had everything put back and organized pretty early.

Someone bought in this extremley long cat plush. We're absolutley not allowed to buy in stuffed animals, but everyone was just in a bit of a silly mood. Someone named it Meow Meow. One of my coworkers started making this very intracite crown from price stickers she folded over for the cat to wear and I made a dunce cap for another coworker after a third coworker requested it.

I wish I was worse. I tell myself I'll go back to that terrible place soon. But I don't. And I hate myself for that.

Today I finished baking the cake. I dont like how it looks. I ate too much fucking frosting I hate myself

Went to the thrift store again with my coworker today. This time another one of our coworkers came with us. But he had something to do so he left pretty early on. He was there for such a short amount of time, I really don't know why he agreed to go in the first place.

I found a lot of great stuff though. Some clothing and some decor.

Today I got back from work and instead of being tired I was so so energized. All of us who were closing were talking and having a good time and I'm still riding that high. One of my coworker's birthday is coming up. It's actually on Christmas Eve. I bake all my coworkers cakes for their birthdays because I like baking and I like (most of) my coworkers. And I want people to like me

We have a staff meeting on the 22nd and one of the assistant managers who's new and for some reason just seems way too comitted to this job, sent a text in the group chat the other day about how he wanted everyone to bring in an ornament to decorate a tree we have that "represents Our Team and culture"? wtf does that mean? How can an ornament represent the staff culture at our minimum wage retail job? So stupid. He wants this staff meeting to also be an end of year party. So I asked my coworker if she'd want me to bring her cake to that, or if she'd prefer I just gave it to her seperatley so it wouldn't become apart of this whole corny staff party but she said it was fine if I brought it to the meeting.

The cake is an earl grey cake with an earl grey simple syrup soak with a lavendar white chocolate ganache filling and frosted with honey swiss meringue buttercream and lavendar earl grey ermine frosting. I'm almost done with it

Back from another day of work. It's my day off today. Yesterday was so exhausting, I got out of work at 9, and was in bed nearly asleep by 9:30. Of course I couldnt actually fall asleep untill like 11 or 12, but that's insomnia.

Work wasn't just exhausting for me yesterday though. Everyone was so completley worn out. The store was way busier than it usually is on a Wednesday. And I'm sure you can blame that on Christmas being so close. People are on break and they want to do some shopping. The amount of people we had still wandering the store right before closing was crazy. Probably the most people I've ever seen sticking around in the store untill the very last second on a weekday night. 10 minutes before the store closed, I was going up to peole on the 2nd floor letting them know the store was closing soon and every group I approached continued to keep shopping like I had said nothing. So considerate of them. One of the customers said I looked like Wednesday Addams and I don't take that type of shit so I was rude to him back and he got all pissed off.

I'm so tired. I stayed up till 5am which I shouldn't have done and I only slept till around 11. I have pills to help me sleep but I don't take them..

Had the day off today. And I have tomorrow off. So that's nice. I won't be going to bed anxious tonight. I worked on my website and got a haircut.

Work today. It wasn't bad. It snowed all last night so when I woke up this morning everything was covered in snow and it was so pretty. I took some pictures with a digital camera through the windows and on the car ride to work. Because of all the snow, the store was actually pretty quiet, despite it being the weekend and so close to Christmas. By the time it hit like 7, hardly any customers were in the store.

I wrote here in the early morning before I went to bed, but I have more to say now that I've slept a bit.

I called out of work today. I just couldn't do it.

I need to take more pictures. I want to add more pictures here. But I always feel like there's nothing interesting to take a picture of. I think I just don't have the right mindset. How do you change that?

There's this really ugly plastic stick on tile backsplash in my kitchen that's been here since I moved in. I couldn't stand looking at anymore so I ripped it all off the walls.

I bought a purse yesterday that's black with silver hearts on it. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a heart. I don't think anyone realizes the mark over my heart is a scar

I had this in incredibly vivid dream months ago. I was on an old ocean liner, like the Titantic. There was a cult on it who were trying to bring about the end of the world. I could open portals to other worlds. I did it by summoning these doors that looked like subway doors and they would rush in front of me and then they'd stop and if you stepped through them, you'd be in another world. I met this guy. He had black hair and two eyebrow piercings, one on either eyebrow. I went to dinner with his parents and they were really charmed when I talked about art and art history. His mom gave me a fabric ornament of a bird. It was a burnt orange color and the fabric had a floral ornamental type pattern. It was the silluette of a bird facing sideways. His parents were in the apocalypse cult though. He told me he didn't belive what they did. I opened a portal and took him to Central Park because he'd never been there. We sat on one of those huge glacial rocks there and looked out at the skyscrapers. We wandered the ship and walked through odd and surreal rooms. There was a room that had so many staircases, they went up and up, higher than should have been possible. And there were rooms flooded with water. The ship wasn't sinking, it was just these rooms that had water in them. I told him that with my power, we could escape the ship and the apocalypse cult for good and we could be free together. We went to a long hallway that had floor to ceiling windows for walls. At the end of the hallway, we could see water stretching out in every direction. No land in sight. There was a pink glow in the distance, getting brighter and brighter. That was the end of the world, and soon it would consume everything. I thought he was going to confess that he loved me and then we would escape. But instead, he laughed at me. He told me he lied to me and that he never loved me and no one would ever love me. Then he pulled out a pistol and shot me in the head. When I died, I left my body and could see in the third person my blood and brains sprayed over the windows. And the pink light got brighter and brighter until everything was gone.

He was right. No one will ever love me.

Today I had work. It wasn't horrible. I was tired though.

It's midnight and I should sleep but I know if I try to, I won't. Maybe I just shouldn't sleep tonight. It's not like I deserve to. I don't deserve food or sleep.

I hate my life. Sometimes nothing feels real and air feels solid and I don't recognize the person in the mirror. I felt so dizzy last night. Blood from your veins is darker red. I don't hold myself to anything because I don't want to feel like I failed when it inevitably happens.

I knew a boy in elementry school who told me his favorite color was crimson red because it was the color of blood. He had a crush on me. Last year I convinced myself that he was my soulmate and I needed to find him. He moved to Pennsylvania after 4th grade. But I remembered his last name and his mom's first name and that's all I needed. I convinced myself that he was still an outcast with morbid facinations who didn't care what anyone thought of him like that kid I knew all those years ago. But of course he wasn't. He looked like all the boys I went to k-12 with. He looked like frat boy. He wasn't even attractive to me.

Fuck you Will. You turned out like all the rest of them. I thought you were different. Do you still think about me sometimes? Or is it just me who can't let anything go? Do you still think about blood? I do.

I have the day off today. But I have to work Friday, Saturday, Sunday. And I know that every weekend I have to work that's closer to Christmas will be busier and more horrible. At least I think I've been doing a good job with the mannequins. People keep the full outfits off of them.

Yesterday I went to a thrift store with a coworker of mine. I didn't buy anything.

Some days I just don't want to get out of bed, or eat or drink water, or do anything. And I wish that was every day. Why can't I be worse like I used to be? I hate that I'm doing better. I hate myself.

Yesterday I wore this dress to work I can never wear on the job again. I got so many creepy stares from men. It was disgusting.

Today I had the day off and I hung some paintings up on my wall

Work was ok yesterday. I dressed some mannequins but got really stressed about it. Sometimes I feel like my job hangs in the balance even when I'm just doing a small day-to-day task.

I'm a horrible person. I'm an evil person. I'm not saying that to get sympathy. I believe it with everything in me.

No work today which was nice. I'm scared that I'm driving everyone away from me.

I made it to December. If you told me in March 2024 that I would be alive in December 2025, I think I'd be pretty angry. I guess I still am.

They played Christmas music the whole day. I really hope that won't be the case every day in December because I think hearing the same songs over and over and over again day after day for 8 hours will send me over the edge.

Today was absolutley exhausting. We were really understaffed.

Twards the end of my shift I got this sinking feeling of dread. I convinced myself something horrible was going to happen. Someone was gonna come in like that guy did last week, but this time they'd actually get violent. None of that happened. Of course it didn't. If someone does in the future though, I hope they shoot me in the head and I die instantly. That would be amazing. A girl stopped me while I was working and said I was pretty though, so that was nice of her.

Went to work today and instantly wanted to go home. Honestly, I wanted to just quit. Nothing particularly bad happened, I just didn't want to be there anymore and I'm dramatic I guess.

Didn't do much today again. I'm not complaining though because it's black Friday and working my retail job on back friday would be a nightmare.

Last Saturday, this guy came in, didn't get as much money for the clothes he brought in as he wanted, and he started screaming. Said he was gonna rob the store, threatening to hurt my coworker who gave him the estimate. We had to call the police on him and it took 3 officers to detain him. And that was all before noon. I was so shaken and I just had to stay there another 7 hours like it was all fine.

Today was a bit loney. I haven't had a real conversation since Tuesday. But at least I've been productive working on this site.

Recently I've been thinking of how I have never been in love, never even been on a date, never anything. Sometimes I feel like it's such a stupid thing to get caught up on and I couldn't care less, but other times it really gets to me.